VIXEN MAGAZINE
The Eternal Vixen
Janet Jackson’s music and acting career spans three decades, and she still sizzles. At age 40, she’s mastered the art of staying beautiful, enjoying life’s simple pleasures, finding love (finally) and being comfortable in her own skin. SERENA KIM goes behind the velvet rope of her Malibu home to learn how Miss Jackson does it.
PULL: I GOT MY NOSE DONE AT 16. WOMEN WHO HAVE HAD PLASTIC SURGERY LOOK PULLED AND YANK AND THAT’S NOT ATTRACTIVE TO ME. I THINK THERE’S A BEAUTY TO GROWING OLDER GRACEFULLY. BUT LIKE I SAID, ALL THAT MIGHT GO OUT THE DOOR WHEN I’M 55.
PULL: IF MARRIAGE IS SOMETHING THAT JERMAINE WANTS TO DO, THAT’S FINE WITH ME. BUT IF HE DOESN’T, THAT’S FINE WITH ME TOO BECAUSE I’M HAPPY WITH THE WAY IT IS.
PULL: ON MICHAEL: EVERYONE SEES THAT HE IS DIFFERENT. THERE’S NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT. HE’S MY BROTHER. I LOVE HIM REGARDLESS. REGARDLESS.
BODY:
You’d expect high drama. You’d expect loads of make-up, a wild, cascading mane, rock hard abs on display. But that’s not what you’ll find at Janet Jackson’s subdued Malibu, California home on this dark and drizzly morning in late February 2007.
It’s a simple white clapboard affair that blends in seamlessly with this famous row of multi-million dollar cribs lining Pacific Coast Highway. The garage shelters two gleaming white luxury sports cars: a Ferrari and a Porsche. The “Caribbean colonial”–themed interior is decorated with whitewashed walls, pale blue canvas furniture, sea-grass rugs, and seashell motifs throughout. Copies of VIBE, Elle, W, and Angeleno magazines are fanned out on the lichen-colored, wooden coffee table. The vast windows reveal a view that stretches to Catalina Island 30 miles out to sea. The Pacific Ocean ripples like gray satin, shimmering in shades of slate and jade.
There’s hardly any time to contemplate the breathtaking vista before Janet enters the living room, looking more like a cool auntie than a sex symbol. She’s wearing the unlikeliest of outfits for an eleven o’clock AM kitchen-side chat at home: a backless, floor-length black evening gown with a plainly visible bra-strap, a grey hoodie, and turquoise flip-flops. Her face is bare, except for a feathery coat of mascara. Her hair is slicked back into a tiny bun. “Dunk,” as her family likes to call her, looks more petite and tired than you would expect but when she smiles, her megawatt grin floods the room with charismatic star power. You immediately understand why she is unequivocally a VIXEN at 40, bare-faced and all. Though sales of Janet’s album 20 Y.O.(2006) were disappointing, the most accessible member of her famously eccentric family continues to intrigue the public with tabloid gossip about her notoriously yo-yoing weight, speculation of marriage with her boyfriend of five years, Jermaine Dupri, and rumors of an alleged secret daughter.
She sits down at a long dining table. Her chef Cheo, a bearded, brown-skinned brother with a patted afro wearing a Bob Marley T-shirt, serves her a joyless breakfast: a half grapefruit, egg whites sautéed with mushrooms, and a side of greens. The portions occupy the tiniest real estate on an enormous white plate. She shakes off the fatigue from the previous night’s Jennifer Hudson Oscar party, douses her meal with Crystal hot sauce, and braces herself for a slew of questions. In her soft, almost baby-like voice, the supernova opens up about marriage, family, and fertility. She shares her secrets to longevity and remaining a Vixen in beauty, life, and love, as the waves crash right outside her dining room window.
SB: What inner beauty trait do you treasure the most about yourself?
JJ: I hope I don’t sound like I’m poking my chest out. But, I think I’m a generous person. I’ve heard people say that I am. I love giving and helping people. I think I have a pretty good heart. Don’t get me wrong; I have my moments. It’s important to be surrounded by good-hearted people, no agenda, just good souls.
SB: How do you tell the difference between someone with an agenda and someone with a good heart?
JJ: You can’t fake it for long. I remember when I first moved to this beach in the early ’90s, I didn’t know anybody here. Jeffrey Katzenberg [film producer and CEO of Dreamworks animation] lives a little ways down on the same beach. So my brother, Mike, said, “Dunk, why don’t you call him.” I said, “I don’t know this man.” So he said, “Okay, I’ll call him. You guys can have lunch.” So he came here for lunch. Afterwards Jeffrey said, “Okay so what is this lunch about? Do you want to do films?” I said, “No, I just don’t know anybody in Malibu. I just moved here and I wanted to make some friends.” And we’ve still never worked together. Eventually he did have a film for me, which I didn’t do. I hate that if you invite someone to do something in Hollywood, they always think that you have an agenda.
SB: Have you seen any side effects in your health from gaining and losing weight so quickly?
JJ: I’m very fortunate that I don’t have any side effects. I think that’s because I work out. I shouldn’t speculate, but I think part of why Luther [Vandross] had a stroke was because there was so much weight, like a hundred pounds, and he would fast. His system couldn’t take it. People think they can skip working out if they can find other ways to lose weight, but you still have to be physically fit, treat your muscles properly, and have good muscle tone.
SB: What do you have to eat for your diet that you really can’t stand?
JJ: I get sick of egg whites. Eggs are funky. And I used to have to eat nine of these in the morning. That was hard.
SB: What’s your biggest beauty regret?
JJ: I look like the bride of Frankenstein in the opening of the “Control” video. My hair is like this high [holds her hand up a foot over her head]. Every time I see that I just get so embarrassed and I bury my head in my hand.
SB: Would you ever get more plastic surgery?
JJ: When I was 16, I got my nose done. Ask me when I hit 55. I look at photographs of women who have had plastic surgery. They look pulled and yanked, and that’s not that attractive to me. I think there’s a beauty to growing older gracefully. But like I said, all that might be out the door when I’m 55. Hopefully when I’m that age I’ll look like my sister, Rebbie [NOW AGE 56], because she looks younger than I do. Her skin is flawless.
SB: Which of your piercings hurt the most when you got it done?
JJ: I’ve had my septum pierced. My nipple pierced. I still have my navel pierced. I’ve had my “Down South” pierced.
SB: Wait, the clitoris or the labia?
JJ: They say it’s not good to pierce the clitoris because if they don’t know what they’re doing, there’s a numbness that you can experience. And you will never get the feeling back. So they’ll pierce just the labia and you get the same sensation. We used to have piercing parties, and we’d all get something done. All my friends would come to the beach house. And Rob, the body piercer—we’re still good friends—would pierce us all. Getting my septum pierced sounded like putting a knife through leather. So that was the ugly part of it. You know how sometimes your eyes just tear. There’s no pain, but your eyes water. Others you inhale and you exhale and then it’s done. But this one was probably the most difficult I would say, worse than the one down South.
SB: You mentioned several times in the media that you were ready to marry Jermaine and have children with him.
JJ: Well, I’d love to have a family. If marriage is something that he wants to do, that’s fine with me. But if he doesn’t, that’s fine with me too because I’m very happy with the way it is.
SB: He’s gotta read all these articles. What does he say? Have you set a date?
JJ: Doesn’t that seem like a personal question?
SB: Not really! You “belong” to the public.
JJ: People don’t respect your privacy. Even though you are in the public eye, you still have your own private life. Just as you work in an office, that doesn’t mean your coworkers have a right to know what you do when you go home at the end of the day. I think that’s something that the media doesn’t respect enough. But, there have been conversations, so we’ll see. Look, I’ve [been married] twice, and I haven’t been successful at it. So I’m real happy to stay right where I am. But if it’s something that he wants to do, then I’m okay with that.
SB: You’ve talked about the perils of fame, how will that affect how you raise your family?
JJ: If my kids want to be in the entertainment industry, I would encourage them to wait until they were at least 18. I’d always let them know that any time they want to give it up, it’s totally fine. It’s nothing that they have to stick with or feel that they have to do. Like I said, it’s not for everyone. I’m not gonna really comment on Britney, but you sometimes wonder, was it too much too soon? I don’t know her. I don’t want to assume anything. But who knows? I’ve been praying for her, because I’m really afraid something’s going to happen, and I hope it doesn’t.
SB: When I see your face, I see so much of Michael’s old face. Do you ever miss his face? Or do you feel sadness when you see how he’s become?
JJ: I’ll say this. Everyone sees that he is different. There’s no question about that. He’s my brother. I love him regardless. Regardless.
SB: The rumors about your secret daughter just won’t die. How did people confuse this alleged daughter with your niece?
JJ: When I was doing “Let’s Wait A While” (1986), I used to take my niece with me. She also did a photo shoot with me with Kenny Rogers [the singer who is also a photographer] for one of his books. The photo wasn’t in the book; he used another photo. But he gave me the photograph. People were saying I had a child back then, too, a little boy. But I would take this niece around, and people would say that we looked alike. I wonder why! So they automatically assumed that she was my daughter.
SB: Who is this niece?
JJ: I don’t want to bring more drama to her. She called me and said, “Auntie Janet, I hear what’s going on. This is just stupid. Why is this going on?” And they don’t even have the time right because she’s a little too old for the time that they are saying. I was only 18 when I married James. We weren’t together for very long. Honestly, I’ve never had any kids. My mother said, “Baby, you should really start thinking about it because you’re really getting a lot older now.” And I said, “Mother, I know but I’ve got stuff to do! It will happen.” She said, “Okay you never know.” I guess she’s talking about the whole menopause. I think I’ve still got time.
SB: Have you ever tried to have kids before?
JJ: No.
SB: If you knew you had problems having a baby, how far would you go with fertility treatments? Adoption? In-vitro fertilization?
JJ: I would adopt. I don’t know what in-vitro fertilization is.
SB: Like artificial insemination.
JJ: And have a baby that way? And it would still be Jermaine’s?
SB: Sure.
JJ: Yes, as long as it’s ours, I would definitely do that.
SB: What kind of gifts do you buy Shaniah Cymone (Jermaine’s 9-year-old daughter) for birthdays and Christmas?
JJ: I’ve gotten her cute little things. I think there’s still time for that. To me, it’s about building a friendship with her. I never want her to think I’m trying to be her mother. She has a mother and a father. I would prefer for us to be friends and for her to know that she always has someone to talk to if she needed to talk about anything. I probably shouldn’t tell this story. We were down here at this children’s store. He loves to shop for her. They had really cute shoes. He gets her this simple pink bikini with shorts and a little top to go over it. I said, “See those are going to turn into booty shorts on her. She’s going to be on Myspace looking back.” He looked at me! I said, “Baby, I’m joking. It’s just a joke.” He said, “See this is why you can’t have a girl.” Eventually she’s going to be into boys, so prepare for that. It’s just life.
SB: Would you want a boy or a girl?
JJ: I’m more partial to boys. I think it’s from being such a tomboy growing up and hanging with my brothers.
SB: Would you breastfeed?
JJ: I don’t know! That sounds gross. A friend of mine says that it snatches your body back. I don’t know. You’ve gotta ask me that question when that time comes.
SB: What is Auntie Janet like?
JJ: This is a touchy subject for me, because whenever my nieces and nephews get into trouble with their parents, they come to me. I guess they consider me the cool aunt. Like they come to me when they get tattoos though their parents will tell them not to. I probably give them the worst advice; I say, “You’ll probably get in trouble, but just remember your parents still love you. So it will be okay, it’s not the end of the world.” When I was a kid, I would feel like it was the end of the world when I got in trouble. So I’m always giving them advice, but I’m always ending it with, “Don’t tell them I told you this.” My brothers and sisters would probably be mad at me if they knew some of the things I told their kids, but I’m just being completely honest with them.
SB: What advice would you give your 20-year-old self?
JJ: Brace yourself because it’s gonna be an incredible ride.
We’ve Got Issues
Wait! Before your eyes glaze over at the mention of politics, check out our guide to issues important to us that will shape the midterm elections. Thinking globally and acting locally goes a long way.
If you care about your family, the price of gas, or having access to a job that could actually pay the bills, then midterm elections should matter to you. Not only do they set the tone for the presidential election, the midterms determine state governors, state legislatures, and the U.S. Congress. Only a quarter of eligible voters actually turn out for midterms, so your vote is actually heard more loudly than during presidential elections. “Our flawed electoral system only worked for so long because people weren’t turning out to vote,” says Bakari Kitwana, the founder of the Hip Hop Political Convention, a national organization that focuses on issues facing the hip hop generation, like high incarceration, a livable wage, and universal health care. “People should vote to expose these contradictions and problems, like the stolen vote in Ohio and Florida. When people do turn out, you see the problems within the system, and you say, okay something had to be done about this.” And you can do something about it, too. Read on for action points and the quick and dirty on five big-picture issues that will come into focus during the upcoming elections.
KATRINA
Why it matters now
From the bungled FEMA response, to the chaotic evacuation of New Orleans’s poorest residents, to the toxic environmental crisis resulting from the storm, Hurricane Katrina showed how local, state, and federal governments failed when American citizens needed them most. And if out-of-state evacuees want to exercise their right to vote in the upcoming midterm elections for pivotal positions like governor and state legislature, there will be no polling places for them to vote outside of Louisiana, according to its State Department. “If Iraqi citizens can vote by satellites, New Orleans residents should have been given the same opportunity to vote by satellite outside the state,” says Donna Brazile, an African-American Democratic Party strategist from New Orleans.
What you can do in 30 seconds
Sign a petition on Naacp.org and colorofchange.org that demands fair housing and jobs for evacuees.
IRAQ WAR
Why it matters now
Remember October 2002 when so-called “intelligence” about Saddam Hussein’s (non-existent) weapons of mass destruction compelled an overwhelming majority of Republican and Democrats to vote yes to invading Iraq? Well after four years, thousands of US casualties, several scandals, and the dramatic decline of President Bush’s approval ratings, even rah-rah Republicans are starting to wonder if the Iraq War was such a good idea after all. According to a CBS poll at press time, Bush’s approval numbers have fallen to 30 per cent, which could hurt Congressional Republicans who are running for the midterm elections. Isn’t that tragic?
What you can do in 30 minutes
For an upcoming book called Letters to Laura, Code Pink, a women’s antiwar organization is collecting letters that ask First Lady Laura Bush to do her part to end the war. “We’re asking people to really appeal to her as a mother and a woman, ” says Tiffany Burns, an organizer for Code Pink. Send your letter to laurabush@codepinkalert.org.
YOUR SEXUAL HEALTH
Why it matters now
Right Wing Christian conservatives are fighting to control what women do with their bodies. Just last spring, South Dakota made it a crime for its doctors to perform abortions, even in the case of incest or rape. (At press time similar bills in nine other states were pending.) Last year, the House passed the Child Interstate Abortion Notification Act, which makes it illegal for a kid to cross state lines for an abortion. Faye Wattleton, president of nonprofit Center for the Advancement of Women, says, “African-American women also need to be paying attention to the abortion debate in Mississippi, where they’re down to one abortion clinic.” And to get in, you have to fight your way through a gantlet of angry campaigners bearing picket signs with bloody fetuses.
What you can do in 5 minutes
“Donate money to organizations that are fighting abortion bans,” says Wattleton, who recommends sistersong.net or feminist.org. “Even a dollar or two will help.”
IMMIGRATION
Why it matters now
After House Republicans, under the guise of national security, proposed a bill that would make it a felony to cross the border illegally, hundreds of thousands of immigrant workers hit the streets to demand immigration reform and assert the value of their labor. But as the movement gains momentum, the issue is quickly morphing into—shockingly enough—a racist debate, with President Bush chiming in to assert that “The Star Spangled Banner” should be sung in English. “People see the immigrants as Latinos—but it’s an issue for Africans, for Europeans, for Asians. It is a human rights and civil rights issue,” says Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX), a ranking member of the House Committee on Immigration.
What you can do in an hour
“A lot of students organized their walkouts on Myspace,” says the League of Pissed Off Voters’ William Wimsatt. “Find out what’s happening on Myspace, and organize your own walkout.”
CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
Why it matters now
More women are going to jail than ever in our history, although the crime rate has decreased steadily. “From 2003 to 2004, the number of women in prison increased by four percent. That’s more than double the percent increase for men,” says Tamar Kraft-Stolar, director of the Women in Prison Project, which monitors women’s conditions in New York jails. “The vast majority of women who are arrested and convicted of crimes are still convicted of non-violent offenses, like drug and property crimes.” It’s no surprise, women of color are the biggest losers in the war on drugs, and they’re paying dearly.
What you can do in a week
Interview an incarcerated woman and tell the story of her conviction, sentencing, and prison experience in a blog or a local newspaper. She might be locked up, but not forgotten.
SOLO MISSION
Gone are the group-mates and pro-football-player fiancé, for the first time in a long time, Kelly Rowland, the ultimate team player, is on her own. The good news? She actually likes it. By Serena Kim.
Outside the rain is really coming down. The streets of Los Angeles are flooded with muddy water, and the windshield wipers on all those expensive cars are working overtime. But Kelly Rowland, pretty and casual in an army cap and Habitual jeans tucked into fuzzy striped socks, is quite cozy inside the plus Record Plant. After she prepares her tea with heaping dollops of honey and several squeezes of fresh lemon juice, she sits at a vast mixing board and works with her backup singer Montina Cooper on a song tentatively titled “I Can’t Do It Again.”
Cooper, a songwriter and vocal producer who fills out the low notes that challenge, is in the recording booth trying to perfect this lyric: “Got me yelling/ You ain’t telling where you’ve been.” Kelly says to her, “Make sure when you say ‘been’ it’s with more of a drawl since I’m from Texas.” After the engineer plays back the results, Cooper re-recording each inflection and phrase, systematically smoothing out any grit.
Once she nails it, Kelly pauses and says, “It’s sad what the song is talking about, when you’re calling all his friends looking for him. The sad part is it happens every day.” But seconds later, she backpedals defensively. “I mean, I never called; I never knew any of the friends! I’d never do that.”
Soon the two women are chatting about the virtues of single-woman solitude. “You gotta be comfortable in your own skin first,” says Kelly, who ended her highly publicized engagement to Dallas Cowboys safety Roy Williams last winter. “The last thing I want is to meet a guy who has X-ray vision and can see all my insecurities. Of course there are those lonely moments, and that’s what my new album is about.”
For Kelly who has been trained and conditioned to perform in a girl group since she was nine, those quiet moments alone can be overwhelming. Says Kelly, “One day, Beyoncé asked me, ‘What are your favorite things?’ All I could say was, ‘I don’t know.’” Since last summer’s breakup of Destiny’s Child and the demise of her engagement, Kelly has been focused on sorting out her likes and dislikes, separate from the people around her. So far, she’s learned that she likes Rottweilers, and wants once to protect her new house in Miami; that she loves girly movies like Pretty Woman and Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion, but doesn’t care for the color pink. She knows that her relationship with God is unshakeable.
“Kelly’s experiences have helped her grow tremendously. I think now she realizes what she wants,” says close friend and former groupmate Beyoncé. “Her album is all about a woman getting out of a relationship and finding herself—finding the strength to stand up for herself and to love herself.”
I know especially with doing an album by yourself, one of the most difficult things is knowing what you want,” says Beyoncé. “Any single, any video, anything that you do, has to be a reflection of what you feel, what you love, what you hate.”
Figuring that out has been Kelly’s mission. She now knows that she does like Rottweilers and wants one to protect her new home in Miami. And she doesn’t like her old trademark red hairstyle—“I looked like Bozo!” she says cringing. She loves girlie movies like Romy and Michelle’s Class Reunion and Pretty Woman, but doesn’t care for pink. She does know that her relationship with God is unshakeable. “Kelly’s life experiences especially the last two or three years has helped her grow tremendously. I think now she knows what she wants,” says Beyoncé. “Her album is all about a woman getting out of a relationship and finding herself—finding the strength to stand up for herself and to love herself.”
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Kelly Rowland was born in Atlanta, Ga. on February 11, 1981. Her mother, Doris Rowland (now Garrison), had a low-level job in a hospital pharmacy with dreams of going to college and becoming a model. But Doris figured she wasn’t college material, and the runways of Milan were a long way from the hospital gowns of Atlanta. She also struggled in her relationship with Kelly’s father, Christopher Lovett, whom she married after Kelly was born and later divorced. “He didn’t provide for us,” says Doris. “He was abusive to me, verbally, mentally, physically, all of it.” For all the rumors that Matthew Knowles is actually her biological father, Kelly, who usually doesn’t use profanity, has this to say— “It’s a lie from the pit of hell.”
When Kelly was seven and her brother, Orlando, was 17, Doris took the kids and fled to her mother’s house. “My father’s and my mom’s situation was so terrible, she got us away from him,” says Kelly, who remembers her father as an alcoholic. “I don’t know where I would be if my real father was still in my life.” Doris became a nanny and moved in with the Hutchens family. When the time came for the Hutchenses to relocate to Houston, they offered to move mother and daughter to Houston so they could start a new life, while Orlando stayed behind in ATL with his grandmother.
Over in H-town, Kelly met Latavia Roberson at Briargrove Elementary School. Latavia was a member of GirlsTyme and brought Kelly to an audition. That’s when Beyoncé first laid eyes on her. “Kelly had a whistle,” remembers Beyoncé. “And I told her I liked her whistle. She said, it’s my lucky whistle. She was so cute and had the sweetest disposition. She sang the bridge for ‘I’m Your Baby Tonight’ by Whitney Houston, which is really fast. I was so excited because her voice was beautiful.” Back in Atlanta, Kelly had wowed church crowds with her solos since age four. She had always known she wanted to be a performer and was prepared to rehearse all day. “I said, Lord, how am I going to help this child to achieve her dreams,” says her mother. The demands of the group were hard on Doris. “My mom was going back and forth from home to practice, and I missed rehearsals waiting for my mom to finish her job,” says Kelly. “She’d be like, ‘I’m not done baby, I’m so sorry.’ That was so depressing to me as a child. I was like, ‘I wanna go to rehearsal!’”
As a child, Kelly couldn’t quite comprehend the enormity of Doris’s struggles, and her mother tried to protect her as much as possible from the instability of her life as nanny. “I worked for this doctor and one day she came home and told me without any prior notice that she no longer needed me,” Doris says. “I said, ‘Well why didn’t you give me notice so I could have been looking for a place to live for me and my child?’ And she just looked at me. I had to think fast.” She called Tina and Matthew who agreed to take in Kelly. “I didn’t want her to be going from pillow to post. I wanted her to be stable because this was something she needed in her life. I didn’t want her to look back and say she didn’t have an opportunity,” says Doris, who went to stay with friends until she got back on her feet. Says Kelly, “I stayed with the Knowleses for a summer, and a summer turned into a year, and a year turned into three years, three years turned into ten. It just kinda happened.”
Life with a new family might have seemed scary for an 11-year-old, like something out of a Dickens novel, but Kelly insists she was fine. “I was a very happy child. People look at that whole situation and don’t understand. But everybody has a different way of growing up,” she says. “I was okay because when I came into the Knowles’ home, they made me feel like I was one of their own kids, and I was happy. I felt lucky to have three parents instead of just one.”
Doris had a key to the Knowles house and was welcome anytime. “It’s not like Kelly was taken from her mother and she wasn’t there. Doris spent the weekends, Christmas, Thanksgiving with us. We all went to church on Sundays. We ate together afterwards. Doris spent the night a lot of time,” says Tina Knowles. “She’s always been a part of Kelly’s life.” Like another auntie, Doris picked up around the house, checked on Kelly’s homework, and cooked occasional meals. Still she missed her daughter extremely, but knew that in the end, she was making the right decision.
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When Doris was 25, she was sticking labels on people’s prescriptions and struggling to make ends meet. Kelly’s 25 now, and she’s facing challenges in her own career and love life. As an artist, she can channel her feelings toward her music. At press time her lead single is tantalizingly called, “I’m Still In Love With My Ex,” a song that made Beyoncé burst into tears when Kelly played it for her. Since Kelly only had two serious relationships in her life, the title is either an expression of her disappointment over her broken engagement with Roy Williams, or it could be taken as an explanation for why the wedding was called off. Kelly isn’t saying for sure, but quiet as kept, the latter is likely.
Kelly and Roy began dating in February 2004, while she was shooting The Seat Filler, an independent film about an R&B star who falls in love with, you guessed it, a seat filler at a music awards show. Williams invested money in the film because he fell in love with Kelly. “I got to know Kelly when she wasn’t in the group,” says Williams. “You could see her true colors: a very humble, inspiring woman with the fire and desire to succeed. And I love that. I love her soul. It was just so pure, so innocent, and sweet. I fell in love with her. Hard.” He pursued her with flowers, cards, and a steady stream of supportive phone calls. She could feel herself succumbing to his persistence.
“You know when you’re at the end of one relationship and you think you’re over it,” explains Kelly. “But like deep inside your mind, you’re really not. I was in that phase, like I’m over this, and I’m gonna move on. I’m gonna put the past behind me. Roy was like this knight in shining armor that was oh-so sweet. And I fell in love with that.” In other words, she was rebounding from her previous relationship, but things were already moving very quickly with Roy. Too quickly. Three months later, they were engaged. The news was widely publicized, even garnering Kelly an elegant cover for Modern Bride (April/May 2005). But by the time the magazine hit stands, the wedding was off. “I was so embarrassed,” says Kelly, who admits that she was swept up in the fantasy of the wedding. “I didn’t even want to get out of the house. I was just in great sadness. I really didn’t want to put my family in that kind of position as well, to where they have to answer questions that they really don’t know the answer to, like, when is she getting married?”
According to Roy, it was never his intention to end the engagement, only to postpone it. “If we were any other average couple rushing into a relationship and pushed an engagement back it wouldn’t be no problem,” says Roy. As they were planning their wedding, Kelly convinced him to seek marital counseling before they tied the knot. When he filled out the counselor’s Getting To Know Your Mate questionnaire, he realized he didn’t know Kelly well enough to make a life long commitment. He gathered up his courage, well knowing how much was at stake, and suggested that they postpone the wedding. “I sat her down on the bed and said, ‘Kelly, we don’t know each other well enough to get married.’ At the time, she was cool with it,” he says. But the relationship went downhill fast. According to Roy, she was mad and hurt, even accusing him of cheating on her. “I started catching a lot of heat just for doing the grown man thing about it.” When Valentine’s Day 2005 rolled around, Roy couldn’t get in touch with Kelly no matter how much he tried. Roy’s reality check awakened her true feelings about this mysterious “ex,” whose identity she would not disclose. “I surrendered myself to Kelly. And I don’t regret anything I did. Because if I had to do it all over, I would,” says Roy, who still hopes to get closure on the relationship. “Sometimes do I wish I was by her side? Yes, I’m not gonna sit up here and lie. But I mean, what can I do? You can’t change somebody’s heart. If they want to be with someone else, that’s what it’s gonna be.”
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This past year, Kelly Rowland made the decision to seek her independence. She chose not to run to the burly arms of her former fiancé. And as the ultimate team player, Kelly found herself with no team. Destiny’s Child was officially music business history. “You know, the past couple of months have been just me,” says Kelly. “Sometimes I’m kind of taken aback by it, because it was always, ‘We, we, we, we,’ and now it’s ‘I, I, I, I…’ Oh God, ‘I?’ But I mean, that’s also a good feeling because it shows growth. And sometimes a lot of people are afraid of growth, but I actually embrace it.” It was the type of year that all women must face eventually, when she must figure out a way to be self-reliant. To learn her true likes and dislikes, separate from the people around her. To be comfortable in her own skin and hanging out alone. To trust her gut instincts when it came to tough decisions. And ultimately, to find out what she’s made of.